I recently read the book, The Velveteen Rabbit, to my granddaughter. Because she has many well-loved stuffed animals she cuddles, her favorite being a teddy her father had when he was her age, she really enjoyed the story.
The Velveteen Rabbit narrative strives to sum up our journey to wholeness – to becoming real. “People resonate with this story because it’s like an unconscious life goal of people to become real ”, says Jeshana Avent-Johnson, Psy.D, a licensed psychologist and radio host in Los Angeles, California. She goes on to explain that we tend to give up our true selves in order to the avoid pain of rejection. We continually seek the validation of others. In the process, we lose who we really are.
Much like is suggested in the book, in order for us to be real we need the experience of being loved unconditionally, just as we are.
Unconditional love is not an easy thing to find. We crave it throughout our entire lives and I feel that as we age it becomes even more so. We hear much about loving ourselves first and that we can only love others to the extent that we have learned to love ourselves. To love someone very dear to us unconditionally seems doable. We fall short when it comes to doing the same for ourselves and yet, it is only in loving ourselves unconditionally that we can become real.
I am not talking about narcissistic love, whereby we are completely consumed with ourselves, and must be continually fed emotional reassurance that we are special and better than others. Simply, suggesting here that with all of our so-called shortcomings and imperfections, we are lovable.
On a visit to the United States, about a decade ago, the Tibetan Buddhist spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, was asked for his insight on how to work with self-loathing, which has become a real issue in our culture underpinning our high rates of depression. He could not make sense of what was being asked. Once the concept was further explained to him, he was surprised and shared that in his culture there are no words to describe such a thing, as it doesn’t exist. He was saddened by the very idea that such an experience is so common in our culture. He went on to introduce the listeners to a meditation on loving kindness, instructing us to include ourselves in any expression of compassion. This is how we can truly extend compassion to others. The key take-away here is that loving ourselves isn’t something we should need to learn how to do, it should be natural for us. We have learned not to.
On the continuum of knowing ourselves, at one end is judgement, misunderstanding and even self-loathing and at the other end is acceptance, self-compassion and love. We are all somewhere on the continuum. How can we move toward self love?
It is a continual work in progress as I travel my life’s path. In as much as I work to acknowledge all that is lovable within me, and has always been, I need to spend equally as much time examining all that gets in the way. Comparing myself to anything; my younger self, other people and their expectations, the images that I am bombarded with through media, my own unmet expectations and any idea I had of how things should be at my age, are all pitfalls to loving myself as I am.
In the space that is left behind by letting go of my grasp on such things, self love and acceptance grows.
The Velveteen Rabbit explains to the little boy that to become real takes time and requires us having made our way through the handling of life, not having been “carefully kept”. I don’t, personally, know a lot of women who have been carefully kept and I feel very confident in saying that it is in the “handling of life”, that each of us has come to know ourselves. It takes time, and the impact of our life’s experiences, for us to become real and to return to the state of loving ourselves just as we are. It isn’t about introducing something new into our lives. It’s about becoming aware of the self compassion and love that has been our birthright, by discarding that which keeps it hidden.
We have reached the stage of our lives that opens us up to self inquiry and we have been gifted with our life’s experiences from which we can glean the wisdom to go forward with acceptance, and self love, as we become more real.
I think the Dalai Lama would quite like the story of the Velveteen Rabbit.
One of my very favourite stories for all ages! Some times we just need to have someone remind us to read it again! Thanks for reminding me to look for my own copy of The Velveteen Rabbit….
Becoming real has certainly been challenging for me, damn difficult at times if I am honest, and I am still trying, it is not easy. In comparing myself to others and their lives I have often, in my eyes, fallen short. The words “self loathing” say it clearly, then I look back on my life and “mistakes” which can then lead me to twist myself into knots trying to be more like “her”, any her will do. How easy to forget the gifts I have!
The first day I read this post was a day I was definitely down on myself. I went for a walk and saw a woman with a beautiful floral tattoo that covered her back, a word was written among the flowers, ahimsa. I asked her the meaning of the words, she replied “compassion, I use it as a reminder to myself to practise self compassion”.
What a beautiful offering I was given as I work towards being real.
Thank you again Heather for your kind and wise words.
I think becoming real is challenging for anyone who are practicing self-awareness. The more self-aware we become, the more we begin to see the patterns of negativity that are impacting us. Ahimsa,is the Sanskrit word which represents the first of the five yamas (restraints) as described in the Yoga Sutras. Before we can truly practice the other limbs we must build a foundation of compassion and non-violence which means to cause no harm in our thought, words or actions to any living being, including ourselves. Clearly if we practice this we will see that comparing ourselves to anything is causing us harm. As for twisting yourself into knots trying to be more like others, the best you could hope for would be to arrive at a less than optimal version of the other. Rather than that, why not put your energy into being the optimal version of yourself. After all, there is only one, unique Cathie and you are more than worthy of self-love just as your are.