Mind reading. Now, this is an art that many of us women assume we have perfected. How often do we make an assumption about what another person is thinking, especially if we believe it’s about us or something we have done? This is happening all the time and for the most part we are barely aware of it.
It is absolutely not possible for us, even though we would like to think otherwise, to know what another person is thinking. We can gather a general sense of how a person thinks if we have been in relationship with that person over a period of time and have come to learn about their beliefs and values. Even then, it’s a leap to take that to a full on mind-reading ability.
When another person acts, or speaks, we receive those actions through our own conditioned emotional scaffolding. Our perception of those actions is shaped by this emotional filter. When we react, whether in the moment, or later as a result of what we assumed they were thinking, we are no longer dealing with their words or actions. We are acting out of our conditioned sense of what happened.
Recently, I had a conversation with a very good friend about a situation that she finds herself in regarding a bit of tension in a friendship, which from times to time seems to go a bit askew. My friend and I chatted about why this might be happening now, and of course it lead to words like, “Maybe she is thinking…….”. Recognizing that this wasn’t actually possible, at best we were taking our best guess, we were able to dig a bit deeper into what was happening for my friend.
The issue for my friend isn’t really what this other woman is thinking, it’s how my friend is feeling about the situation. When we are emotionally stirred by the actions of another person we experience physical sensations in the body that are true indicators of this stirring. It’s uncomfortable. We tend to react out of those sensations and go straight into problem solving and solution seeking, but not in the absence of self-judgement and/or placing blame. If we assume, that we know what the other person was thinking, it gives us a place to start. Albeit, a false start.
Others words and actions can stir within me emotional reactions. If I remember to try to take a breath, step back (literally or figuratively), and allow myself to actually feel it in my body, I am less likely to make an unfounded assumption about the other person’s words or behaviours. In reality, it isn’t the other person’s words or actions that are causing my distress. It’s the physical sensation in my body. Without, bringing mindfulness toward this experience, I can go into a mental spiral that is unlikely to resolve anything.
If there actually is anything to be resolved externally, at all, becomes the question.
A little less mind reading and a little more self-awareness goes a long way to improving relationships as we spend far less of our precious energy entangled in a complicated web of reality created out of our need to not feel discomfort.
Oh, Heather, that is so insightful and needed to be heard by me! Honestly, though I often believe I am not allowing another’s behaviour to influence me, I make presumptions as to why they are acting thusly instead of checking in on myself and my reactions! Thinking that I know from whence the other is coming. Of course such times do have an effect on me at every level, physically, emotionally and spiritually!
I absolutely need to practice mindfulness, work on self awareness and dismiss the fruitless mind-reading enterprise ! Thank you for sharing, again and still!
Thank you Sandra. The practice of mind-reading is something I expect most of us have become quite used to. I know I can get caught there and need to remind myself often that I am building stories out of nothing. It is the practice of mindfulness that, over time, will give us the level of self-awareness where we can trust that our thoughts, words and, actions are seated in truth, not fabrication.