Bronnie Ware, in her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, shares that the number one regret people have shared with her, as they near death, is that they wished they had lived a life true to themselves, not a life that others expected of them. Let’s pause here and let that sink in.
Ware’s book comes out of her experience as a personal caregiver for people in the last weeks of their lives having chosen to die at home. She has brilliantly taken from their words of wisdom, of which many had actually asked her promise to share with others, the truths that we might want to consider.
When we are older time seems to go by even more quickly than it did before. Death is a certainty. No argument there, I trust. Somehow though, we seem to be willing to ignore this reality and live as though there will be time for us to do what we wish. This just isn’t true.
Many of us women are over-identified in our roles as caretakers of others, and take great pride in the idea that this is our only purpose. What might it look like if we were to extend this care and nurturing to ourselves?
We make choices in our life, for the most part, with our heads. We are conditioned to believe we can trust logically-formulated ideas, rather than the intuitive callings of the heart, to bring us the happiness we are ultimately seeking.
I think this is especially true for women who have spent decades of their lives putting their own heart’s longing aside in order to be certain that they are dutifully supporting those whom they love and are responsible for. They have gleaned their sense of purpose from this way of living. There is a sense of goodness wrapped up in it. Women are praised for having learned and adopted this lifestyle of imbalance between self-care and caring for others to the extent that we are often deemed to be selfish if we choose to follow our own hearts even long after our earlier caretaking roles are behind us.
To experience self-nurturing and live in harmony with our heart’s true longing will take curiosity, honesty, and courage. All of which will most likely stir within us a felt sense of vulnerability. With vulnerability there is risk and without it, there is no opportunity for growth. It is the key to reaching beyond our over-valued comfort zones and into that space of true self-awareness.
This searching can be a very lonely experience until we find those souls who also understand the value of such a process and surround ourselves with them. Others, even those we love dearly, may very well not be able to go beyond their limited judgments in order to really support our choices. We need to exercise understanding and compassion, as people can only meet us on our path of self-inquiry as far as they have traveled on their own. When we reach beyond the misguided comfort embedded in our search for the approval of others we exhibit an example that might encourage others who are trying to do the same.
As we age, and find ourselves with more time to reflect on questions like, “How do I want to be living my life now?” we might very well come up with some ideas. Invariably, we will come up with even more reasons why the implementation of these ideas is not possible. When actually examined deeply, the most common obstacle to us, doing what, or being who, we want is that we fear it will not be acceptable to others, especially our families and friends. We don’t wish to feel their rejection. We have become masters at shape-shifting throughout our lives in order to fulfill our roles and satisfy the expectations of others because we need to feel this sense of acceptance and belonging.
Humans are relational beings. Our very survival from birth depends on being in close relationship with others and so it is deeply rooted in our physic that we must nurture, and not risk loosing, these connections. While it is very true that connection and acceptance are important, we must also make room for our own, and others’, individuality.
We can get too caught up in concern about others opinions of our choices and loose sight of the fact that they also are working hard to be happy and they are not actually giving as much time and attention to what we are up to as we would care to believe.
Aging inches us closer and closer to our own mortality. If we are willing to actually look directly at this surely we would be asking ourselves how we can spend these precious days ahead living our lives in ways that encompass more of the experiences we long for and less time spent striving to meet the never-quite-fulfilled expectations of others.
We are leaving one life behind and heading into one we can create, what do I want that to look like? In my own experience being true to myself is not an easy thing to accomplish unless I take the time to discover who “myself” really is. Still in progress here…
Writing this post I do not want to dance around words, the same thing I don’t want to do when speaking my now truth to anyone. I am just talking about my own experiences and choices for my life, and with the respect that not all women will feel or want the same. My aim is neither blame nor hurt, and words can be so ambiguous. It is risky business though isn’t it? Who will I offend, who will I hurt or alienate? What will they think?
Yes of course I was a caretaker when raising a family and helping ailing parents, being a grandmother. Looking back I see that I fulfilled that role at work and partnerships beyond what was necessary. It was such a habit. Some friends constantly said “you’re such a strong woman”. I figured this was the right way to be and I wore those words like a crown, until I couldn’t. The imbalance took a toll physically and mentally, and thanks to a conversation with a close friend I went to see a counsellor.
This was a place for honest talking, listening and trying to implement change. I had to make choices on who needed the most help at that time. Not easy as guilt and grief were constant companions. Sometimes they still haunt me and then I need to reflect back, I did the best I could.
I’m choosing to not be the caretaker of everyone now, and guess what? they are doing just fine without me and growing as a result of me letting go. Part of me still misses that role and it creates a loneliness sometimes.
I believe the age old thoughts of what a good woman “should” be is from centuries of traditional conditioning.We play roles either consciously or unconsciously to become recognized, the “crown”. I still care about family, friends, relationships but I don’t need to be the caretaker and it’s becoming easier to step away and let go. And honestly I just don’t have the energy.
Don’t believe for a minute I have it all figured out- but I have a much better understanding of how I want to live my life now, how to set clearer boundaries, say no or yes. I’m sculpting a different life and trying to do my best at caring for me.
If not now, when?
How may good years do I have left to live an authentic life?
Thank you so much Cathie for your honest feedback. I really appreciate what you say about letting go and then noticing that things tend to take care of themselves . I think for so many of us, women, especially those with children and grandchildren, it is often the case that we become over involved in their struggles. Of course, when things are at a crisis point, and our intervening could be most helpful then that might be what we should do. I do believe, though, that for the most part our angst comes out of our desire to never see our offspring struggling in anyway. It’s not easy to let go and I think best managed in small steps .
I also appreciate your willingness to be honest, having pointed out that you understand that, in speaking your truth, it may not be what another woman feels, and yet it is okay for you to speak your truth. I think this is some thing as women, we all need to recognize.
Heather, you have shared another message of truth, wisdom and inspiration!
As time is passing, I often reflect on who I am and ask how I am caring for myself, at this point. For me, it absolutely is about relationships and my place of truth, I believe, is in nurturing and connecting with people. Over the years, I have learned to listen to the Universe with regard to what energy I have to offer and am concerned less with what others may say or think. As you say, people often aren’t concerned with what we say/do! A very freeing illumination!
Not to say I go blindly and selfishly into the world seeking only my own fulfillment, rather, have accepted what gives me peace, contentment and enjoyment and seek to “be” in that” realm. It is important and life giving to feed our spirits and souls as we show up everyday, wth gratitude and love.
Lovely comment Sandra. It really is all about balance. We have within ourselves everything that we need to be kind and generous in our caring for the relationships in our lives and also for ourselves. There is no one shoe fits all design for what it means to be ourselves as we age. I feel, that the more we learn to nurture, and trust, our intuition (which I feel is what it means to listen to the Universe) the greater will be our experience of living closer to “being ourselves” as we age.
We say someday I will fulfill that dream but as we get older there may not be that time. We do not have infinite time. If we want to do something we have to do it now while we still can. We all have different dreams and what is your dream or expectation of yourself may be entirely different than someone else.
Thank you so much Cathy for continuing to read and add your voice to the blog articles. You are so right, each one of us has our own dreams and expectations of ourselves. As we age, we can give ourselves the time to examine our expectations to see if they are in line with what we actually want for ourselves, or have we just become very conditioned to them. It’s very true, as you say, that we don’t have infinite time. That’s what we must keep in the forefront of our minds as we make decisions and choices into our later years of this precious life. I hope you will continue to read and comment on the blogs. I am always so happy when I see your comments.