“It’s like I was invisible”, is how my friend expressed her experience of having been ignored by someone much younger during a customer-service exchange. This word, invisible, has become common discord for how many older women say they are feeling. As if somehow there comes a point in our lives that we are no longer visible to others. That we no longer show up. That we no longer count. For the past few years much has been written about this phenomenon and I have to admit that I have used this language myself. Lately I have come to realize that there is harm embedded in doing so.
This experience of older women feeling they are being ignored in the market place, and further afield, is absolutely happening. I would suggest that it says far less about our visibility and more about the unacceptable degradation that is happening with customer service. The same individuals that don’t see us most likely are not merely decrementing on the basis of age. I expect they can be equally as rude to anyone.
It is true that in a culture where a youthful appearance is embraced wholeheartedly, and held as the model to which we all must measure our self-worth, we older women may not be “seen” by some.
In order for anything to be invisible it requires a subject who can’t see it. Before we quickly move to adopting a reality of having become invisible we need to consider who is that subject and what it really means to not be seen. Seen by whom? Seen as what? Who gets to decide?
I have seven grandchildren, all of whom, wouldn’t understand the idea of me feeling invisible. I only need to see the light in their eyes, and feel their embrace, when I show up to know that they see me very clearly. My youngest granddaughter, for as long as I can remember, has snuggled in beside me comforted by the softness of my aging body and making comments on how much she loves all the “soft, squishing bits”. It has become a thing for us and we have quite a laugh as she reminds me every opportunity she gets. When she first said this to me I have to admit I was a little taken aback. To have one’s soft upper arms and middle pointed out on a regular basis is not necessarily what women strive for, and yet, there it was. This very thing that differentiated me from other people in her life, for her, was so special. One of the very obvious outward signs of my aging, that would help me to feel quite negative about myself if I chose, actually represents to her the best of the best. Invisible? I think not.
I remember when I was about to make my first trip to India and was discussing with a cousin of mine, who had spent a fair bit of time in other cultures, the idea of safety as a woman traveling on her own. He was quick to point out to me that I was going to a culture where grey-haired women like me were held in high esteem. This is exactly what my experience was. I was treated with respect and felt safe, loved and cared for. Now, decades later, the once-young people I meant during my time there continue to be my friends. They have become like family to me and I know that the very last thing I have ever been to them is invisibile.
I nurture my women friendships as they are like gold to me. These women certainly see me, as I do them. We hold a special place in our hearts for one another. We see each others beauty and worth. I can go on and on, naming the people in my life to whom I certainly am not invisible as I know so too can you.
We all have those people, and pets, in our lives for whom invisible would never be our status. If, however, we assign such a label to ourselves, consciously and unconsciously, we can feel that way regardless. Self talk is critical in our experience of our place in the world.
Of course, there are those to whom we might appear invisible. That belongs to them and it is theirs’ to work out if they would ever choose to question why they feel that way. It is not ours. In making it ours we degrade ourselves. Taking on such an identity at this rich stage of our lives is absurd.
A feeling of invisibility is not synonymous with aging. The feeling of not being seen is experienced by people of all ages, races, and genders. Innocent little children experience it when they grow up in an environment void of love and attention. When we feel that others are not paying attention to us we can feel that they don’t really see us at all. We all do this to others, albeit mostly unconsciously. By not giving them what they feel they need, in terms of time or attention, they may feel unseen at that juncture.
Rather than adopting such self-defeating language to describe who we are becoming as we age, we could use this latest intrusion on our self hood to heighten our awareness of how we may be contributing to another’s feeling of not being seen. I expect the act of paying attention to another person with intent would not only make them feel seen but also ourselves.
Language is very powerful. We might want to be careful in adopting such an adjective as invisible to describe ourselves. In doing so, we are not only harming ourselves with negative self-talk but we are also showing no regard for those who absolutely see us. We are anything but invisible so let’s strive to continually remind ourselves and one another of that. I absolutely see you.
I’ve found there are wondrous moments of choosing to be invisible. People watching, quiet thoughts in a crowd, even occasionally browsing in a shop & being ignored can spare me a “bit of bother” as Winnie the Pooh might say. When I want or need attention invisibility is a different story & in those moments I have to make a choice in my inner response & outer reaction. I’ve most often found a word of kindness, some humour, & a big smile goes a long way to garner me some attention. Few people can resist a sincere compliment & question. “Wow what amazing tattoos, that must have been a lot of commitment. Can I see your arm?” A few of my now favourite Baristas enjoyed showing this “old gal” the work they had done. If you look there is almost always something kind that can be said that will change you not only from being invisible but even a head above others. If there is a grunt or no response I am ok to walk away with an intention of blessing. I do not know what suffering may be happening within that individual & can only send something that might help them just a bit for today.
My greatest learning about being invisible as a woman was when I decided to by myself a car without my partner. I went to 4 car dealerships, I had no major spending limit within the type of vehicle I wanted, I earned more income than my partner, & had my own credit rating. Despite all this I was only shown the “womanly” details on the vehicle, no information that I had already researched, & was told to bring in my husband for a test drive. I wanted to scream but just walked away knowing I would be back, and it wouldn’t be with a man in tow. Finally I found a Toyota dealership with a female salesperson & after a short test drive I paid the sticker price giving her full commission & got the full package. A few days later I dropped by each of the dealers with my new car, met with the salesman & told him of his loss. I also gave a review online & received acknowledgment letters with commitment to change. I don’t know how many places took that to heart but I do know my next car was bought without any hesitation from the salesperson & no questions about any partner.
Having explored India with Heather I can also say the we white haired women were indeed a truly admired commodity. Suddenly we were celebrities, everyone from the young, teens, old, wanted selfies or group pictures with us. There was great respect that I truly did not appreciate enough when I was there. I do have some hilarious pictures to remind me. Respect also happens in Aboriginal & First Nations people across countries with a culture that still sees value in its elders.
My last comment in that we as elder women must learn to recognize our power. As a “group” we have the most free cash available to help other women. A great example is the 100$ (or any amount) groups that get together at least 10-20 women & all descend on a local small shop or restaurant. Everyone spends 100$ cash with a keep the change commitment & has a wonderful time meeting new friends. There is also the expanded version of this “1000 women who care” and each commits 1000$. Once a year this group, now much larger than 1000, views presentations from NGOs and other types of helping organizations and funds the project. Micro financing is something I take part in through Kiva.org. I loan 25.00 to women seeking a small loan in developing countries to help them start a small business & feed their families. It often buys chickens, goats, sewing machines, refrigerators, restaurant supplies , the list of needs is unlimited. What good can my 25.00 loan do? Alone probably not much, but there are tens of thousands of people doing the same thing. One can join with others and loan with them, Canadian Nurses is one of my groups & we are about 600 strong. The pay back rate of the loans is at 98% ! No Western bank or country can make that claim. This is Power, Strength, Compassion, Love. And while you may be invisible now & then in a way that feels sad, to someone out there you are “seen” in a way that only the spirit & wisdom of the beautiful Crone can truly ever know.
I love this comment, Heather! This idea of being invisible as older women seems to belong to our Western Culture. We are so youth-oriented and have lost sight of the wisdom of the elders (not just women) in our culture. It is sad really. Not just for us.
As the other Linda expressed, sometimes it’s ok to be invisible. I think of times where you are at a gathering and don’t want to get involved in a conversation, especially if you are an introvert like me, and can stand aside and just observe the action and interactions in the group. It can be interesting!
That kind of situation is a choice, as compared to those other times or situations when you may feel ignored and that is not what you want.
Many of us, as older women having cared for our families most of our lives, may have put ourselves last during those years, ignoring our own needs, so it has become a habit to deny ourselves the visibility that is required to stand up and make sure our needs are also paid attention to.
We need to rethink that point of view if we haven’t already!
You are so right, Linda. It absolutely is our time to rethink how we show up in the world. I was giggling to myself when reading your comment about being an introvert in a room full of people as I to have that experience.
Such affirming and encouraging statements, Heather! Your suggestion to use intrusions on our selfhood to increase our awareness of others’ needs and become sensitive and more effective listeners is so important! I absolutely need to embrace this approach, instead of retreating to a place of negativity or self pity, for sure! My experience of invisibility is associated more with being female than with aging, I would say. My efforts to contribute to decision making in some relationships has seemed to be discounted on the basis of my gender. As I reflect on others’ reactions during those times, the act of paying attention to another person with intent , listening to their needs would have served us all better, for sure.
Thank you for seeing me, Heather, and may I always return the honour and gift of your presence in my life, accordingly.
As you point out, feelings of invisibility can often be experienced by women regardless of our age. I am aware of the over speaking we are often subjected to in conversation that include males voices. Maybe as we age it becomes even more so. As suggested in my blog article, my feeling is that we must decide for ourselves if we will take on such language to define us, but more importantly let’s understand how we might be subjecting others to such an experience without us even being aware. So much of what people do is not consciously motivated. At the end of the day we all want to be seen. Which isn’t limited to a visual experience, but also manifested by being listened to. Thank you for your comments.
I certainly have had those moments of feeling invisible, in fact so invisible that during a dinner party in my home I went to the bathroom and painted my toenails.My guests never seemed to notice 😅 I know there are people who are so absorbed in themselves that they only see people who can feed that ego.Sometimes being invisible is ok.
I laughed out loud at the image of you sitting in the bathroom painting your toenails having left your inattentive dinner guests, only to return and have no one even notice you were absent. This a perfect example of how we can feel invisible. In actuality it wasn’t that you were invisible it was merely that the egos at your dinner table were too invested in the battle for attention to notice that you, because you most likely were not in that game, had removed yourself. I think this is what you are expressing when you say that maybe sometimes being invisible is okay. We all have an ego and that ego strives for attention because it can’t really exist without it. When we are aware enough to know that our ego has taken over we have a choice – feed it or reel it in.
That’s so funny, Linda, I love it! Great self care!