CAN BEING NICE MAKE YOU SICK?

I recently listened to a presentation by Gabor Mate where he posed the question, “Can being nice make you sick?”

Gabor Mate is a Canadian physician, world-renowned trauma and addictions expert, and author who has done extensive work on the connection between our mental and physical health with an emphasis on chronic stress and illness.

Mate is not suggesting that we should not be nice.  He is attempting to broaden our understanding that if we repeatedly extend ourselves, beyond our mental, emotional, or physical resources, in order to satisfy the needs of others we will stress our bodies and ultimately become ill.  Why would we do such a thing, especially at a time when we have so much information on the proven connection between stress and illness?  How does being nice play into all of this?

Most of us would agree that being nice is a good thing.  If, however, being nice comes with a total disregard for our own health and well-being it bears careful examination.  It may not be a simple matter of being nice. It may actually be that our being nice, beyond our resources, is actually a coping behaviour, which served a need at one point in our lives and, now no longer appropriate,  is actually causing us harm.

Mate is only one of several experts who have observed and written about this paradox. The idea of us becoming sick from being nice is difficult to imagine.   I can almost feel the recoiling action of readers here.    After all, isn’t that what we are supposed to do – be nice?

As human beings, we do not live in a bubble whereby we should consider only our own needs.  We live in continual interdependent relationships with others.  Our primary need, which is with us from our very first breath, is attachment.  If we are to survive, we need to attach and be cared for. 

Attachment brings with it a sense of security because there is no fear of abandonment.   We naturally crave attachment because we need it in order to survive. When there is a healthy attachment we can relax and be who we are because we have no reason to feel that we will become abandoned by doing so.  This type of relationship provides us with a container of security that allows us to tap into our uniqueness and act in ways that feel right for us.  We learn that we are enough just as we are.  We can trust ourselves and others.    This addresses our need for authenticity.  To be authentic is to be in touch with ourselves, aware of our own needs and uniqueness and live in a way that honours who we truly are. When we are being authentic we know how to take care of ourselves. We aren’t afraid to speak up for what we need because we know we matter and that we are worthy of love just as we are.

Attachment and authenticity are necessary in equal measure for our physical and emotional well-being.

When the attachment is not secure, for any number of reasons, we are not free to be our authentic selves. We can’t take that risk. We will continually try to do what we feel might gain us the much-needed love and care from others.   In our childhood, this is predominately our parents.   One tried and true way to have others attach is for us to be nice. 

I was very aware as a child that being nice was the measure of a “good girl.”  I expect it’s what most little girls learned.  If we could just be nice enough, ignore our own truth, blend in, tone down our uniqueness, not question the status quo and pursue the interests of others we would have a better chance of enjoying the benefits of attachment.  In order to consistently adhere to such expectations we learned to ignore the small inner voice of authenticity that continually seeks recognition.  We learned to disconnect from our “gut” feelings. We learned that just being who we are isn’t good enough to earn much-needed love and attention.  

Later throughout our adult lives we continue with this coping mechanism we mastered in life – above all else, be nice.   We continue to turn off our unique inner voice, discount our intuitive nature,  and behave in ways we have become accustomed to and have been rewarded for.  We have difficulty setting healthy boundaries or even knowing that we need to.    We have great difficulty saying “no” and if we do, we feel that it requires a full-blown explanation.  We fear the negative fallout of doing so.  We have learned that being nice, regardless of its cost to ourselves, is the best way of being seen in a good light and ultimately satisfy our need for attachment.  

The balance between attachment and authenticity becomes highly skewed in favour of attachment.

It is simple human psychology that we will repeat when rewarded for certain behaviour.  There is no mystery as to why we would continue over-stretching ourselves with being nice, unaware of the toll it may be taking on us, so long as we are being rewarded.  Keep in mind that it isn’t necessarily happening on a conscious level.

There are negative outcomes to such behaviour which continually go unnoticed, or at least unnamed.

Research has proven, over and over, that there is a direct correlation between unaddressed stress and ill health, disease, and premature death. There is no separation between the functioning of our body and our mind.  It’s a closed circuit. What happens in the body affects our minds and what happens in our minds affects our bodies.  Heart disease, cancer, auto-immune disease, gastrointestinal problems, diabetes, asthma, insomnia, chronic pain, migraines,  depression, and anxiety have been shown to be caused, or worsened, by long periods of stressing ourselves.

Our bodies are very resilient and can withstand a certain amount of misuse but they can not tolerate constant disregard while we carry on behaving, albeit mostly unconsciously, in ways that attempt to soothe ourselves with the unhealthy coping behaviours of earlier years. Expanding the idea of how damaging this is to our physical health, it is especially damaging to our emotional health. The message that we are giving ourselves is that we are less worthy of love and care than others. This kind of messaging can keep us locked into a mindset we may have experienced as children.

Can being nice make you sick?   It can if you continually extend yourself beyond your resources paying no attention to your own health and wellness. Women are natural nurturers and caregivers and often this clouds our ability to recognize our own needs.   It takes a conscious effort to become aware of what fuels our willingness to disregard our own health in our quest to be nice and not disappoint.  

It’s natural to be kind to one another.  It’s ingrained in our DNA as we are interdependent on one another for survival. It feels good when we know we have been kind to another person.  Acts of kindness nurture us as well as the other person.   This is not the issue.

The problem arises when we take our own well-being out of the equation.  There is actually nothing nice about that.  “Would we ever ask another person to extend themselves beyond what is healthy for them in order to be nice to us?

There is no issue with being nice. We all benefit.  It’s a problem if being nice is a repetitive coping behaviour you have developed as an attempt to secure attachment whereby your need for attachment overrides your need for self-care. It’s something learned as a child that now needs to be examined through the eyes of our adult self. When our need for attachment overrides our need for authenticity, we will disregard our own needs if we believe that doing otherwise would have others see us in a less favourable way.

Most of us at this age know that over-extending ourselves is not healthy.  Our bodies let us know very quickly.   Our issue is that we ignore the messages.   The body has its own wisdom and its own language.  When it wants our attention it starts with a whisper and if we refuse to listen, it has no choice other than to get louder.  And it will.

Let’s never stop being nice to one another.   Let’s simply include ourselves in the extension of our love and caring.  When we find ourselves acting out of fear that doing otherwise will bring some sort of negative outcome we need to stop, take a moment, and rethink what we are doing and why.  

I am not a medical expert and here only offer what I have learned from my interest and research on the topic of the relationship between illness and stress.   The intention of this blog post is simply to ignite curiosity.   I look forward to your honest feedback via the comment section.