The best definition I have heard for worrying is “using our imaginations to harm ourselves”. We are brilliant storytellers, fabricating all the possible negative scenarios for the things we fear might happen. We are especially good at this at night. We lose precious sleep while tossing and turning trying to rid ourselves of the invasive thoughts. During our day we are distracted by constantly entertaining such thoughts. We get caught up in the cycle of worry.
While many of us are intuitively aware that worry makes us anxious and upset, we seem to default to worry when facing issues in our lives. Worry, itself, holds no inherent value. When it comes to those things that give us cause for concern and there is something within our control to be done, we should do it. If there is not, no amount of worrying will make a difference. Spending our time immersed in viscous ruminating over all that can go wrong is of no value – not for us, or others who we are worrying about.
We may have the idea that if we worry we will be better prepared for some future negative outcome. It’s also possible that we believe worrying is akin to problem-solving. Neither of these has been proven to be valid.
Our lives present many issues that we need to give careful consideration to. Being too cavalier isn’t a great approach; however, catastrophizing over all the possible negative outcomes for the future is no better. When the worst presents itself no amount of prior worrying will make it any better. On the contrary, it may actually render us less able to give our full energy to what is needed because we are already exhausted.
I was born into a worry lineage. My mother and the familial mothers before her spent much of their time in the state of worry. It was passed along from one generation to another in a “that’s just who I am” kind of way. It may have been confused as being a reflection of their level of caring and responsibility.
At the age of 24, my first adult son set off to take up a new job and residence in another country. My mother worried miserably from the day she heard he was going. During the days of his travel she called me several times to check and see if I had heard from him. This was a few decades ago before the age of the immediate communication possibilities we now enjoy. I certainly was concerned about him being out there on his own and I wanted nothing more than to hear that he had arrived safely. I had chosen not to torture myself by projecting every possible negative scenario upon his journey. One day, totally frustrated with me when asking if I was worried, she responded, “How can you not be worried. What kind of mother doesn’t worry?” There it is. She believed the propensity toward great worry was synonymous with being a good mother. This is what she had learned. This is all she knew. Because she lived with worry all her life it often restricted her opportunities to relax and fully enjoy her life, physically and emotionally.
My mother wasn’t an anomaly. Any of us can easily get caught up in the rationalization of worry. If we really care about someone then it goes without saying that we will worry about them. At least this is what we might believe. Could we care just as much about our loved ones without fabricating reels of negative future scenarios about how things might unfold for them? Do we worry because we think it actually will help? Do we believe it carries with it some indication of how much we love another person? Does it reflect our morality in some way?
Let’s examine the idea of worst-case-scenario preparation being the logic behind worrying. We are trying to ready ourselves for the worst and so we imagine every possible negative idea of how things could unfold unconsciously embracing our worry as a defense against, or at least preparation for, the impact of the outcome. Research shows that constantly worrying does not help us defend ourselves against the impact of life’s negative events. It actually can compromise our ability to respond at our best to a crisis when it happens.
It may seem that we are managing the emotional impact of a negative event when we are giving it attention, like worrying, but we are only, at best, addressing its emotional impact at that moment. In the long term, we are doing damage. Chronic worrying robs us of our ability to fully relax, to see things clearly, or to stay focused on our experiences at the moment because we are busy trying to control the future.
A casual stroll through the Google realm will offer many articles on the science behind worrying and its effects on our health.
A Columbia University review of more than two dozen studies concluded that excessive worrying taxes the body increases cardiovascular issues, and weakens endocrine and immune functioning. High levels of the stress hormone cortisol, dumped into the body from excessive worrying, slow down our immune response and can lead to illness and disease. That review was in 2006 and there have been reams of research done in this area ever since becoming more specialized in nature as the research evolves. The findings continue to support the same conclusion – stress causes illness.
I remember once having digestive issues which resulted in an investigation and a diagnosis of inflammation of the stomach lining. This was happening at a very stressful time in my life when I was constantly in a state of worry. A treatment regime began with medication and dietary changes which I followed somewhat religiously. I didn’t see too much benefit from either. I was well aware of the impact of stress on the body and decided what I needed to do was start focusing more on getting a handle on my excessive worry. It wasn’t easy, but over time things started to improve slowly as I learned to manage my worrying. A few years later, at a routine follow-up appointment, the gastroenterologist reported that the inflammation was gone. I confessed to the doctor that I hadn’t been taking the medication and that I had been working to lower my stress level. She was quick to share that, in her experience, she estimated more than 80% of cases of gastrointestinal inflammation are caused by stress and healed by reducing that stress. The stressful situation didn’t end in those years but my way of engaging with it did. Worrying about something I had no control over was making me sick and was doing nothing for the situation whatsoever.
Let’s look at the possibility that worrying helps us plan. If you are always anxious, worrying about all that could possibly go wrong it will eventually make you ill. Making yourself ill runs counter to good future planning regardless of the situation. I think we can all agree on that.
When we have an objective in mind and we are strategically putting into place all the variables that we think will help us achieve the best outcome, then we are not worrying, we are planning. This is a positive and productive approach. If, on the other hand, we are relentlessly worrying about all the possible ways something in the future could go wrong, there is nothing productive happening. Excessive worrying inhibits our critical thinking and our ability to plan well. We are working busily to try and protect ourselves, or someone else, from the impact of an imagined future outcome.
Worrying about someone else may feel like it isn’t about us. The emotional “benefit” of worrying is absolutely about us. While we are lying awake in the wee hours of the morning attached to all the possible ways things could go wrong for a loved one we are doing nothing for them. It might, however, in the very short-term be soothing to us emotionally because it feels like the right thing to do. I know, this might feel like a huge leap. It’s not an easy concept to embrace. Give it a moment’s consideration.
Like most older women, I have lived through challenges, disappointments, crisis’s and losses over the decades of my life. When I look back over those times I realize that worrying never made anything better. Each time that something difficult presents itself we must respond. And we do. Worrying does not better prepare us. Often, while we are busy worrying about one thing that might happen to us, which does not actually happen, something else is unfolding outside our awareness. Life is unpredictable and challenging. Accepting this is the first step in working with excessive worrying.
The selection of possible scenarios for future outcomes available for us to worry about is infinite. We don’t come to a point in our lives where life is all good. Life is in a constant state of flux and we get temporary experiences of both easier and more challenging times. Those who experience excessive worry, even in the easier times, can worry about how long it could possibly last. We live as though waiting for the “other shoe to drop”.
Anxiety is a future-focused state of mind seated in our need for control. The more relaxed we are about our ability to deal with the challenges as they present in our lives the less anxious we will be. When we worry we are communicating with ourselves in a way that makes us anxious. Worrying doesn’t lessen anxiety. It fuels it. It can feel like a non-penetrable cycle where the worry feeds the anxiety and because there is anxiety we worry. Sometimes we even worry about anxiety. Addressing one helps us address the other as we work to break the cycle.
How do we lessen the grip that worry has on us? How do we break the anxiety/worry cycle in our daily lives? Perhaps it’s worth exploring this in a future blog article.
Going down the worry road is a habit for me and I see that is has been part of your life too Heather. Can we learn to recognize it, turn to turn it off and switch to a better story?
Yes we can
How?
That is a very good question Cathie. There are several methods to work with the worry when it is happening, which I will cover in another blog article. The real work is to dig down and uncover what is under the worry. Fear drives worry. What is it that we fear will happen? In my experience, when we ask the question, “What am I afraid will happen?” the first response we come up with isn’t enough. So there are two ways to work with worry. One is to apply methods to the state of worry as it is happening. The other, more likely to make long-term change, is to uproot the fear. I hope this is helpful. I will go into more detail in a future blog and look forward to your feedback.
Worry is another expression of fear, as you talked about in an earlier blog, Heather.
There is no question that worrying is not helpful, only harmful to our health.
I am not generally prone to worry, but there are times during sleepless nights that those unfounded thoughts enter and cycle over and over, unbidden and unresolved.
Realizing they are unproductive, I will usually get up, make tea and read for awhile or listen to a guided meditation to break that cycle of worried thoughts.
Often people’s lives are submerged in the worries of the day. I think as women, because we are nurturers and caretakers, it becomes even more of an issue. Like you, when I find myself ruminating over things at a time when I should actually be sleeping, I change the setup and break the cycle. Sometimes I am able to do it while still in my bed by focusing on breathing gently into my belly watching the breath fill me up and empty out. Often I fall asleep and the next morning realize that it happened while I was doing this. If the noise in my head is a little too loud, like you, I get up out of bed for a bit. These strategies work as a way to manage worrying as it is happening. The real work is for us to dig out the root of our worry. What is it that I fear – really?
Interesting essay and certainly valid for those of us prone to worry. I often give myself an exit ramp from worry by asking “why worry about something that may NEVER happen?” I have not been a great sleeper for over a decade due to intrusive thoughts in the middle of the night that I’d classify as worry. The only solution I’ve found is prayer. I give that worry to God so I can get back to sleep.
Thank you Mary for your comment. I often remind myself in the same way. We worry so much about things, most of which never happen. Prayer is definitely one of the ways we can work with our worries, especially in the sleepless hours of the night. There are a number of “grounding” techniques we can employ. Essentially if we can understand why we worry and challenge it as it is happening we have a good opportunity of working to reduce the harm it causes us. I hope you will continue to follow the blog and contribute from your experiences.