WORRY LESS

In the previous post, we looked at the nature of worrying and its impact on our lives.   We all have moments of worry.  For some, it manifests as troubling thoughts that come upon us from time to time but do not last.  For many, it is much more bothersome.  We become totally engaged in negative future-focused thinking and allow it to fill up the entire mind space.  It becomes a familiar way of being for us.  Over time we begin to identify with the act of worrying as if it is “just who we are”.   We know that our worrying causes us suffering, and we would like to be free of it, yet somehow it seems to have a grip on us we can’t shake.

The habit of worrying becomes so ingrained that it’s as if we have become addicted to it.   Like any addiction, we are engaging in a behaviour that brings us some temporary relief and ultimately ends up being very harmful.  We continue on with the behaviour long after any benefit is realized.  We are caught in the cycle and it becomes incredibly difficult to give it up.  You might question the idea of “temporary relief” because you understand worrying to be negative.   Essentially when our worrying begins we feel that we are somehow managing a fear that we have of some future outcome.   In the previous blog post, Should I Be Worried, we looked at the difference between worrying and planning and how we can confuse.  Like an addictive behaviour, perhaps at some point, we gained some relief from worrying. We continue to feed the habit and it grows to become something harmful for us.

As a counselling therapist, the addiction treatment model that I am familiar with is known as the harm-reduction model.    The focus is placed on identifying how the behaviour is harmful to the individual, in what areas of their life is it causing the harm, and then working to reduce that harm.   For some, it may be that the only way to reduce the harm of the addiction is total abstinence.   For others, this is not the case.   A series of methods are applied to help the individual work on the issue.   Real lasting change happens when we move beyond the application of methods and learn to identify, and eradicate, the underlying cause for the behaviour.     This same approach can be used to work with excessive worrying.

To apply a harm-reduction approach to worrying we begin by doing a little self-inquiry.  A “worry journal” can be helpful.   Firstly you want to be honest with yourself and make note of what you believe is the benefit of worrying.   Why do you worry?   Simple it seems, however, the answer will require you to look inward a little deeper than what you might have first thought was the reason you worry.   Next, you can start keeping a record of how you believe worrying is negatively affecting you.   It could be that you can’t sleep at night without medication, you might be finding yourself unusually irritated by small things,  worrying throughout the day may impair your ability to focus, it robs you of your joy, it makes it difficult to relax and clouds your perspective on a situation leading to poor decision making.   You are the expert on your experience of worrying and how it is impacting your life. 

Make a list of the areas in your life where worrying is causing your harm.   Select one area of worry at a time from your list and make a conscious decision to focus on lessening its negative impact.   One example would be worrying at night which disrupts your sleep.   If you find yourself lying awake ruminating about something that might happen in the future, tossing and turning in your bed, and becoming more and more irritated as you watch the clock tick away the hours of your precious sleep, there are ways to get out of the cycle.  The mind can only focus on one thing at a time.   When you are worrying if you shift the mind’s focus onto something else you can not be worrying at the same time.   You can get out of bed and do something, you can read a few pages in your favorite book, you can focus your mind on the sensation of your breathing,  you can say to yourself “inhaling – exhaling” as you breathe, you can start counting backward in odd numbers, you can try naming everything you know starting with a specific letter, to name a few ways.    When we apply these strategies the mind shifts its focus and we become more grounded.     This can be done during the day as well.

We can create a “worry time” during the day where we allow ourselves a certain amount of time to sit and worry away.  Throughout the day or night, when worrisome thoughts come into our heads, we simply remind ourselves that this is not the time and that we can pick up this worry-like way of thinking later in our worry time.    When our designated worry time comes, we must take time out and actually sit and bring to mind all the worrisome thoughts that we had put on hold.   Ironically most people find that when their designated worry time arrives they don’t want to sit and worry.   This method only works if you absolutely stick to the routine.   If you decide to not sit and let the worrying happen at your designated time, you don’t get to do it until the next designated time you are set aside.   You are not to randomly worry in between times.  

Another approach is to make yourself a “worry vs planning” chart.    On one side of the page, you write down the things that you are worrying about.    You make columns across the page.    In the next column, you write whether you can actually do something about it.    If the answer is no then you must recognize this and move on, keeping in mind that focusing on something you have no ability to change holds no value.   It is just worrying.  On the other hand,  if you believe you can do something then you start to break it down into the steps you will take and write them in the next columns according to when you think you will take action.   One column would be entitled “today”, the next would be “this week”, and the third a further date into the future.  

Worry and anxiety are future-based ways of negative thinking seated in our fear that things are not under our control, which actually they never really are.  Anything that introduces even a small measure of what feels like control lowers our anxiety.   An exercise like the one above can help us feel that we are taking control of a bothersome situation.  We become aware of the difference between worrying and planning as we carry out the exercise.

Many of the methods work in real time as you apply them to a worrying state of mind.  Their impact is immediate in that the worrying thoughts have no way to remain while the mind is busy elsewhere.  Contrary to what you may believe your mind can only focus on one thing at a time, and therefore if you give it something to do it can not remain focused on the worrisome thinking.  Shifting the mind’s focus will absolutely give you relief, albeit temporary, from the state of worry.   Real change will come only when the underlying root of our worrying is revealed and eradicated.

In order for the application of such methods to bring lasting change it would be necessary for us to become acutely aware of our worry-like thoughts when they first appear.   Often we are well down the rabbit hole of worrying before we realize and it is more difficult for us to turn it around.   We want to be able to recognize when we are starting to entertain worrisome thoughts.   The earlier we recognize the negative thinking the better chance we have of keeping it from overwhelming us.   Like an addiction, the earlier we recognize that what we are doing is harmful, and we seriously want to change the behaviour, the better chance we have of curbing it and minimizing its hold on us. 

Our thinking, regardless of how entangled it might seem, begins with one random thought.   Between every thought, there is a gap.   For most, this gap is unrealized and the experience feels very much like the thoughts continue one right after the other.  Our liberation from being helplessly steered through life by our thinking is to become aware of, and rest in, that gap.  

If we are to develop this strategy for working with our negative thinking, we will need to become aware of when the first thoughts in this line of thinking arise.   The only method that I know for becoming aware of how our minds are operating is to learn to be quiet and allow our awareness to dominate our experience.   We become the witness of what is happening rather than seeing ourselves as that which is happening.   In other words, we learn that we are not the worrying self, we are the witness of that behaviour.   We are not at its mercy.   If we can recognize it as something the mind is doing, we can learn to shift the mind away from the act of worrying.  

While we may never be totally free from worry we can learn to untangle ourselves from the idea that we have no control over it and start to reduce its impact on us. 

Throughout these blog posts, you will see that I emphasize the absolute necessity of taking time to be still and quiet.   We live in a world that demands, and rewards, our busyness.   Little value is given to taking time out of the active world and just being alone with our minds.   There is no other way to become familiar with our minds than to become curious and courageous enough to step out of the cultural “busy is best” mindset and give our awareness an opportunity to reveal to us the truth of how things actually are.

In this blog, we have scratched the surface of how to work with excessive worrying.   Any methods suggested here can be tried and you can see what helps.   Talking with compassionate friends always helps too.   Often being able to actually talk out loud about what we are worrying about helps us see it clearer.   If you feel you want to do deeper work to unravel what is fueling your worrying, seeking out a professional counsellor who is skilled in that area would be wise.

Adopting an attitude of worrying as if it is “just what we do” is short-sighted.   Excessive worrying causes real harm as it has a cumulative negative impact on our daily lives and ultimately will make us ill.